Tag: mama
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Unbecoming
When you look into the eyes of a laboring woman, it’s hard to recognize the woman you once knew. There’s an absent gaze of desperation that comes in the middle of a contraction. With that you know the woman is traveling in between realms, bouncing from reality into laborland and back again. She’s fearful, hopeful,…
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Selfish comfort
She hit her head really hard the other day and I was reminded of those intrusive postpartum thoughts that were oh so very present in the fresh weeks/months after birth. The thoughts that reminded me of how fragile life is and how little I trust myself to keep her alive. When she was an infant,…
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More than a mother
The other day I went into my old place of work to get some groceries. It was my first time in there without Liana in tow because I had just come from a yoga class after a week of illness. I was proud of myself for making it to class, relieved to have some alone…
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Unruly roommate
I preach patience while pushing myself to the brink of snapping. I preach deep breaths as I hold mine in, afraid to release. I preach acceptance while begging myself to change. I preach unconditional love while only loving myself under certain conditions. I preach movement while remaining stagnant. I preach peace but I’m at war…
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Life cycles (part 1)
A guest found me right around noon that day. She said, “One of the horses fell as they were walking out to the pasture.” I knew immediately. He was showing signs of deterioration and getting weaker by the day. Every time we discussed the idea of making the call for him, he’d perk back to…
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10 reminders
The trauma response that the body reacts to and holds onto is sometimes very different than what the mind perceives to be “traumatic”. You and I can go through the same experience and walk away with completely different emotions. We can read the same article and have two individual opinions on the information presented. Your…
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Variations
Your body is allowed to change. Your body is allowed to fluctuate. Your body is allowed to ebb and flow. You are not expected to look the same as you get older Your body is allowed to change. You can change your mind on the clothes you want to wear or the personal decisions you…
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Deception
Waves of words crash onto the shower breaking up the flow of thought. I’ve kept so much inside that I cannot choose a path to walk down, I feel overwhelmed. Over the years, trauma and fear have built up these stories that are fine tuned with guilt and instead of sharing that truth, I chose…
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Warning label
Stuck feelings get trapped in my chest and I feel like I’m suffocating. I try to process and it turns into avoidance. Leaning into discomfort my first instinct is to run because it resembles fight or flight and I keep telling myself that I’m sick of fighting. There are dueling voices playing in my mind…
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Stagnation
Depression can linger behind a soft gaze, a sweet smile, a roaring laugh, and a gentle kiss. Depression can disguise itself as short breaths, nervous laughter, denial, and belly pains. Depression isn’t just sadness all the time or crying for no reason. We have taught ourselves (and been taught) so many different ways to ignore…
The Sacred Body 