The other day I went into my old place of work to get some groceries.
It was my first time in there without Liana in tow because I had just come from a yoga class after a week of illness.
I was proud of myself for making it to class, relieved to have some alone time, and excited to be feeling better.
Until an old coworker says to me, “we’d rather not see you if you don’t have Liana.”
Was it a joke? I’m sure it was.
Did it hurt? Hell yeah.
What you can’t see from my physical appearance is how I battle to have my own identity outside of being “mom” or how I’m struggling with self image or how important it is to be validated as Sami or how sensitive I am to words/tones/language.
As a single mom, most of my days are spent with a toddler.
Sometimes it’s days before I have an hour or two of alone time.
And when I have that time alone, most of the time I’m processing mental hurdles that come up in my daily life.
Things like my eating habits and how they not only affect me but also my daughter.
Or my ability to commit to bettering my mental health or I’m wondering if what I’m doing is right/enough.
More often then not I find myself reflecting on how my present life came to be and what the next steps are.
Every day I’m working towards finding appreciation towards my body for allowing me the opportunity to be called mama, while dealing with the physical consequences that come with birth.
There is no down time.
No time to unravel and unwind and just be, not in this phase of my life.
And while I’m sure my ex-coworker wasn’t trying to cause turbulence, it was a reminder of the box that mothers are frequently put into.
We are expected to devote our lives to our kids in such a way that our own personal identities become blurred and faded.
Not to say the shift into motherhood isn’t beautiful, I’m just trying to say that we are more than mothers.
I am more than a mother.
I’m a woman who creates and expresses love.
A woman who is discovering and uncovering new paths and old patterns.
A woman who heals herself while helping others.
I have flaws and problems and pains.
But also ideas and insight and perspective.
I can be fun, silly, spicy, and serious.
I am a mother and so much more.
There is no box to contain such power.
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