Panic

I had a panic attack the other day.

My mind wants me to believe that it came out of the blue but my heart knows that’s not true.

At first it felt like my body was being constricted, in my mind conflicted.

Following the pacing I hit the couch, curled up in a ball with a scowl on my face feeling like a grouch.

I thought maybe my stomach was bothered by something I had consumed, and Then came the intrusive thoughts telling me that I was doomed.

I noticed my breath shift and the ripple effect of my heartbeat, And in the past these observations would leave me in complete defeat.

But this one was different because I knew what needed to be done, I knew I needed to reach out for help, And I knew I couldn’t run.

So I moved from couch to bed, and the noises just started to get louder in my head.

At which point I covered my ears to try and hear my own breath, And I had to give myself subtle reminders that this wasn’t going to be my death.

Tears poured out of my eyes and my body shook well my head told me lies.

But I held myself With space to feel, Knowing very well that what I was experiencing was real.

I felt my forehead clench and my eyes got dark, I need those moments it feels like I am completely void of a spark.

And so I let the panic run its course knowing damn well I can’t stop it’s force but once I made it to the other side I felt so soft and I just cried.

you see, I can try to pinpoint where it came from Or I can let it affect me and just remain numb.

Instead, this time, I gave myself space.

I took a moment to brace

for impact as I knew that the waves were still going to trickle in throughout the day. But I didn’t let the pain steer the way.

I don’t need to understand the mind to have compassion for what’s mine.

The spectrum of emotion and the experiences I’ve faced

all pass through me leaving just a trace

of who I once was and who I will be,

With hopes that one day I will settle in to being authentically free.



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