The other day I came to the realization that over the last 10 years I have been conditioned to place other people’s needs and desires in front of my own, even if that meant self betrayal or abandonment. 

Outside of putting myself last, I’ve also settled into survival mode where I used that conditioned behavior to avoid much needed deeper internal reflection (as if that has become a tool for my own avoidance).

As these tendencies become more clear and I actively work on discarding them from my learned behavior patterns, I recognize that a lot of my personality has been built up around self-preservation, external conditioning, and masking.  

And as these masks begin to fade I’m left with an even deeper realization that I do not fully know myself. 

The core of my being is ingrained in me like tree roots in the ground. My roots have allowed for massive amounts of growth that often looked tempting for others to enjoy. They come to harvest my fruits, break off my limbs, cut down the trunk, and take advantage of the progress I had made. I grew branches labeled boundaries, desires, and needs, and watched as they were stripped away. 

I sift through these years of adapting my shape, size, voice, expression, and image to fit the needs of others and wonder who it is that I really am. 

I’m not searching for the surface answer. 

I won’t be sifting through the weeds to gather a handful of undergrowth. 

I’m digging for the dirty, raw truth.

WHO AM I?

What ideas are my own and which have been given to me?

Why does my mind react in such a way?

Where are these emotions pouring from and how can I support my healing? 

What is my heart saying? 

What is my body responding to? 

What are my toxic traits and how can I work through them? 

What do I want?

What do I need? 

All of these answers reside somewhere in the depths of my being and I’m on the path of uncovering these answers.

This is my unraveling.

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