Beauty in the breakdown

Recently I was diagnosed with c-ptsd, complex post traumatic stress disorder, which came three weeks after an official ADHD diagnosis.

This is a condition in which a person who has experienced multiple or prolonged traumatic events develops symptoms similar to those of ptsd, which can change the way the brain works.

While this diagnosis feels extremely validating, I also feel completely broken.

There’s a difference in intuitively feeling that my brain is wired differently, and learning from a professional that my brain/psyche has been severely affected by a complied 13 years of ongoing/reoccurring traumatic situations.

It’s a very harsh truth.
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t struggling.

As it turns out, I’ve been on the run from processing painful wounds for a very long time. It wasn’t until I became a mother that I started to face myself. In these past four years, I’ve planted my feet in the ground and allowed my body to feel safe enough to ease my way out of fight or flight.

First came fawn – the lack of identity, people pleasing, boundary-less, and overwhelmed phase.

And then came freeze – the numb, stuck, hard decisions phase that can feel overly isolating and very intimidating.

With freeze came crisis mode. A place where I felt like I was drowning in 2 feet of water with no hope of rescuing myself or being rescued.

But I did it.

I rescued myself by seeking out professional help and now begins the journey of unpacking, processing, and forming a toolbox of support so that I can learn how to navigate life moving forward.

There’s that cliché, “healing is never linear” and I’m happy to report that this is exceptionally true. There are days of lighthearted joy and days of deep, suffocating darkness.

I know now that I don’t have to do this alone, and I’m learning more and more about myself (the good, the bad, and the ugly).

I recognize the beauty in crumbling to then rebuild.
And I’m happy to be on the path of self-awareness, healing, and processing.

If you’re here with me, thank you.
If you’re struggling too, I see you.
If you’re overwhelmed, you’re not alone.

Deep breath, friends.

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