I’ve been peeling back layers of lifetimes to release unprocessed emotions.
Trapped for a decade, it feels as if I’m going to combust.
The walls begin to crack and I begin to open.
The truth is raw, sharp, and uncomfortable.
I am able to recognize how silenced I became and how my inability to speak up for myself has affected the last decade of my life with relationships, interactions, and my own personal trust.
I see now that I was the perfect victim for them.
I was easily influenced, vulnerable, lost, begging to find a place of acceptance.
They were able to beat me down.
They proved to me that was less than than dirt.
They manipulated my thoughts and praised me for conforming.
I begged for their trust, their friendship, and the ability to work and provide for them.
I went in broken and came out shattered.
For many years after I was on the run. Seeking attention and validation even if it meant dropping all forms of self-respect.
I was used to not being heard so I kept quiet. And I ran myself into the ground while searching for this feeling of being “whole”.
I have been hurt, taken advantage of, and manipulated.
I forgot how to stand up for myself and deeply feared the idea of causing waves.
My voice disappeared so I spiraled into the trap of a people pleaser.
How did this happen?Was I that easy to manipulate?
Had I not landed in the mouth of a cult, would my life have taken a different route?
There is still deep resent here.
Eleven years ago and it wasn’t until this year that I have finally open the door to begin my healing process.
I’ve been living in a state of avoidance (with a heavy tinge of fear) for a decade now.
This pain has grown larger than life because of all of the compiled traumas that unfolded from that moment on. It’s a real challenge to not hold regret.
And it’s hard to not fall back into the same cheerful script of well at least I got to work with some really amazing animals.
But alas, I’m thankful to have finally pulled up.
And I’m thankful not only for people who have held space for me to come forward with the truth but for people who have come forward to me with their truth about a similar experience as well.
With time, connection, conversations, and expression I have able to tap into blocked memories.
Blocked memories that are necessary to unravel in order to move through them.
As I travel my way through years of discomfort, I am reminded of my own personal growth.
It’s been painful, frightening, eye-opening, and immensely expansive.
The journey never ends and I am grateful to finally be healing.
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