Negative attention

I used to starve myself. 

It began in 2008 when I was diagnosed with a handful of gastrointestinal issues.

Doctors assumed I was bulimic because I often threw up the contents of my stomach as my entire body was having reactions to mostly everything that I was consuming.

I was afraid to eat because I was afraid to throw up or be in pain; it had nothing to do with self image at that point.

But that new learned habit and negative attention carried through to my later years and that’s when it became seriously unhealthy.

I worked early mornings and allowed myself to binge on 2 or 3 bagels and too many espresso shots before 6am then nothing else for the rest of the day.

I was always dizzy, nauseous, fatigued, hot, and never small enough.

As a tall woman with a larger body structure, I just never could attain this image of “perfect” that I created in my mind.

During this time I never once thought I was doing anything wrong so I didn’t necessarily hide it, instead I made jokes about how I’ve eaten nothing or about how I can’t wait until I wake up to have my bagels.

That later shifted to an obsession with eating healthy that came with a cruel punishment if I broke from said “healthy diet.” 

Fast forward to now, my relationship with food has drastically changed. I have a daughter now and she deserves to see a mama eat consciously and freely without fear or judgement. 

However, I came down with a stomach bug this last weekend and to say it was hard is a serious understatement.

The vomiting was triggering, it brought me back to a time when nothing would settle in my stomach comfortably so I chose to purge.

The emptiness in my belly reminded me of the countless nights I praised myself for feeling this pain because it meant I was getting closer to a certain image.

The fear of food felt all too familiar.

And the recovery has been exhausting. 

When the physical body gets sick, the mental state is often not far behind. 

Here’s a reminder to give yourself grace.

Recovery is not linear, healing is usually messy, and life is a damn roller coaster.

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