48 months

My daughter is turning 4 in three weeks. 

That’s four years learning each other after 9 months of connection. 

And that’s four years of unlearning behavior patterns to create new pathways together. 

It’s been almost 48 months of navigating uncharted territory together in a really overwhelming time for our society. 

She has no sense of what life was before her, but I do. 

Before I had a child I was a wildfire. 

I was a girl begging to be a woman. 

I ran free.

I ran wild. 

I was so present moment that I never cared to see the wall that would appear around random corners. I denied the idea of the future with an underlying belief that I was going to die young.

“Live fast, die young.”

And not because I wanted to die but I couldn’t see the future and that’s how my mind chose to process the unknown. 

I was confused and I was hurt. 

The more fierce life felt, the easier it was to numb the pain. 

Why build when it’s all going to crumble anyways? 

I lived so deep in the present moment that I had no desire to build a foundation. Especially considering the strong foundation that I grew up on had shattered in the blink of an eye. 

What’s the purpose of running myself down in a rat race if it’s going to trap me in a vicious cycle of trying to obtain the unobtainable?

I still struggle with answering those.

I still don’t believe in the grind or in pushing myself to be trapped in a space to make ends meet. 

I still run wild. 

But my fire is a bit more contained now. 

I know the wind can still shift my direction. And when I’m near water, my flames soften to a gentle ember.

When the smoke clears, the future appears to be in plain sight. 

But you see, the future was never fully mine to plan. Perhaps I couldn’t see it because it wasn’t yet mine to write.

Almost 48 months of Liana and without doing anything aside from being completely herself, she has given me the chance to ground down.  

And now I see that the future is currently being written. 

She has rewritten what it means to be creative and what it means to be authentic. 

She has perfectly conveyed what it means to love and be loved. 

She welcomes me into the present moment and offers the most perfect opportunity to plan for the future. 

Motherhood has been messy. 

I’ve been in and out of work, in and out of relationships, in and out of love. I’ve been overly anxious, emotional, depressed, stressed. I’ve been overflowing with joy and openly evolving. I have peeled back multiple layers of beliefs, facades, false hopes, and ideas of self worth. I have transformed myself only to take 10 steps back as the world shifts around me. Some days it feels like motherhood is forcing me to crumble and some days I see that it’s the world crumbling around me. 

Our future isn’t tangible. 

Who we will be and what we will have is only a fairytale to play out at the end of the day, but the foundation that we build and the love that we share will undoubtedly be able to carry us down any path. 

I am still a fire.

And she is the earth. 

Almost 4 years of becoming independent humans together and I still know nothing. 

I still don’t have the answers and I have absolutely no idea where the wind will take us but I know that I am a better person because of her. 

My daughter is turning 4 in three weeks and she is my greatest teacher. 

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