I had to travel to Portland, Oregon to receive my daughter. 

I know that sounds weird but here’s the back story. 

Ever since high school, I wanted to move to Portland. I didn’t know much about the city and had never traveled to Oregon yet somehow I just knew I needed to get there.

I moved to Los Angeles in 2012 and made it known that my next move was going to be up to Portland, I just didn’t know when. In 2013, I started looking for jobs up in the Pacific Northwest. I was working with Whole Foods at the time and thought maybe I could transfer but later found out that they only covered moving expenses if you were a part of leadership. I resorted to my love for animals and experiences with big cats and drove up to Grants Pass, Oregon (southern Oregon) to interview with a big cat sanctuary. That was my first time in the state and I was in love. I drove back home to LA and received a call saying the job was mine if I wanted it, however there would be a 6 month trial period that was unpaid and there was no on site housing available. That door closed pretty quickly. I didn’t have the funds to make an unsupported move and then work at job with no pay. Weeks later, I totaled my car. 

I decided it was best for me to move back to Jacksonville to live with my sister so I could hopefully save money and get on my feet again. 2ish years later- I met Matt. He and I decided pretty quickly that we were going to move out of state, as we both we itching to flee Jacksonville. He’s a rock climber and I’m an ocean lover so it only made sense to move to portland, where the rocks are abundant and the coast is unreal. 

There was no hesitation. We made a plan and stuck to it. Held a garage sale to rid ourselves of belongings. Locked in an apartment in portland without ever being there before. I set up the transfer with Whole Foods. We packed up his truck and my Jeep with our pets and other necessities. Said our goodbyes. And we hit the road. 6 days (60 hours) of driving cross country to settle in our new space. 

The first few months we rocky, to say the least. Funds, stress, jobs, relationship hurdles, and identity loss were all bubbling. We lived in a tiny apartment that wasn’t suited for two large humans and their two pets. So we quickly found our place in a new apartment which dispersed the tension a bit and allowed us space to breathe. Matt left days after moving to embark on his Vipassana retreat where he received the opportunity to seek insight and we were able to take space to reflect. 10 days of no communication. 10 days to miss each other. And on that day that he returned, Liana was conceived. 

Unplanned? Yes. 

Celebrated and welcomed? Absolutely yes. 

The next 9 months I received high quality prenatal care with a group of midwives a couple of minutes from my home and it was all covered- completely free and covered by the state. 

Her birth (a hospital birth)- completely free and covered by the state. 

Post natal care for both Liana and I (including acupuncture, massage, bloodwork, and all visits)- completely free and covered by the state.

Looking back I wonder “how the hell did we just pull that off” as I often see people struggling with the cost of birth/care. 

I couldn’t deal well with gloomy winters and our relationship wasn’t where it needed to be. A couple of months after Liana was born, we moved back to Jacksonville to regather and begin again. And now, I am closer to my family than I’ve ever been before. 

I truly believe that all along I knew that I needed to travel to portland in order to receive Liana. Which means, everything that happened was for a reason.

She’d been calling on me for a while and I was getting really good at ignoring it. It was almost deafening. I wanted to be a mother but never wanted to admit it. And once I was pregnant, I knew who she was even though everyone around me was convinced she was a boy. Her energy had been present with me for a very long time and it’s hard to believe she’s here in this realm with me now. 

Babies call on us, whether we are ready to receive or not is a huge part of when we get to meet their spirit.

I see now why my life lined up the way it did:

Why I didn’t thrive or stay at the tiger preserve.

Why I needed to live in LA to find and lose myself. 

Why I needed to return back to Jacksonville to reconnect with family and meet Matt. 

Why I needed to make it out to portland for exceptional (free) health care and support during pregnancy. 

And why I needed to move back to home base to be closer to family. 

It all makes sense now. 

And it blows my mind. 

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